Judging

I don’t know for sure, and it’s none of my business, but other people probably don’t judge me as much as I judge myself.

How sad is that?

I should be the one approving me, especially if no one else is. Who can I count on if not myself?

So, I wonder if I was less judgmental of myself, would I think less about what others think, and not believe that others are judging me?

It is an experiment that I believe is worth a try. Whatever takes the pressure off, right?

Since I’ve become a mom I am very interested in bettering myself so that hopefully my bad habits, self-deprecating nature and overwhelming self-doubt don’t get passed down to my son.

I want him to believe in himself.

I want him to know that he is of value, without question.

I want him to feel capable to use the gifts that he’s been given.

For me the self-doubt game has been exhausting, gone on way too long, and all around just sucks. It is not an arena that I want him to enter, if I can help it.

I don’t want him to judge himself, but I also don’t want him to judge others.

My hope is that he will be compassionate. I hope that he will be humble, and giving.

Some random thoughts for today…

What do you think? 🙂

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Real

So okay, let me be more real and vulnerable. To really share, you must be willing to put yourself out there, right?

I have been so afraid of being laughed at, rejected, criticized, and misunderstood for my whole life…as long as I can remember!

Even sharing that feels uncomfortable and like I’m sharing too much. The tape in my head says “nobody cares, nobody wants to hear what you have to say, you have nothing to say”.

If that were true, why would I still want to be a writer SO bad?

If that were true, why would one of my girlfriends be so excited that I actually started blogging?

I might still believe that old tape that plays. That tape that gets the best of me some days. That tape that makes me feel sick to my stomach.

But I am doing things in spite of that tape now. Take that tape! I can do whatever I want!!

So now that I got that out…you know the craziness that goes on in my head. That is some of what I will share here.

It’s not always like that 😉

Thanks for listening.

Work in progress

I am working on many things right now. Really I feel like I am always working on myself, but this effort feels different.

I have a goal this time.

Many goals actually. And that is why it’s different. I have a destination that I am trying to reach, and an outline of a path to get there. I’ve never had a plan to reach my goal. I’ve never had such a clear vision of where I want my life to go. I’ve never had the tools to get there.

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Another cool thing is that I know it’s a journey, because when I reach my goal I know I will have a new one to set in its place.

The other wonderful part about all of this is the support.

My husband is awesome at the support game, and always has been. I have family that is always there and friends that have my back.

The difference this time is that I have an ocean of people who are chasing the same goal as me.

I have a community this time.

This community is teaching me, answering my questions, hearing my frustrations and always cheering me on.

What a blessing it is to have found this. What is “this” you ask?

Young Living.

I started out trying to find a natural way to deal with my anxiety and other emotional issues that I was going through.

What I found is so much more.

I’m going to share more in another post about why I needed help with anxiety and emotions. If you have any questions, please reach out to me. I would love to share with you.

 

Jumping In

It’s time to jump in and get this blog going!

Now that I’ve started learning more about building an essential oils business, and become a mom, I need a little space of my own to share, right?

Every once in a while we all need a place to share our thoughts, get some feelings off our chest and just be ourselves, dontcha think? Here’s my place. I hope you can relate, laugh, or learn with me!

Here’s a picture of our little cat, Tiny, just for fun 😉

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Tiny

Perfectionism – A Struggle

I’ve been called a perfectionist in the past. I didn’t know what was meant by it or even what I did to prompt the assessment.

Today I read an article from Introvert, Dear about perfectionism in introverts. I was interested to see that it was even broken down to the specific personality types!

The article talked about trying to make everything perfect so that there would be no room for criticism about anything you do.

Sounds about right.

I usually think “If I can do this in just the right way after thinking about every possible outcome, then there will be no need for anyone to change anything and everyone will think I am so good at _______”. I have so many unfinished – even UNSTARTED – projects because I foresee some way that it won’t come out JUST THE WAY I envisioned. It frustrates me and often makes me feel like a failure.

Part of my need to do things perfectly is my misperception that people expect perfection from me. I’m not entirely sure where this came from, but I can remember feeling lots of pressure to perform at a high level for most of my life. Maybe I’ve always been this way.

At any rate, if I think about it I often get complimented on my finished product or performance, even when I can pick out plenty of things that went wrong with what I made or did.

Positive feedback should help me out, right?

Wrong.

I have a very hard time remembering the nice things people have said about me. That is probably why I cherish cards, letters and texts so much. It’s right there in black and white. Proof of what they feel and/or think.

On the other hand, I do often remember the criticism I was given. I tell myself that it helps me grow. Maybe now it does, but for a long time it just made me feel bad while solidifying my ideas of everything that was wrong with me.

I may never be a famous singer, but I never even tried because someone once told me that I had a bad voice. I love to sing, but I cringe at the thought of someone hearing me for fear of the laughter and harsh criticism that are sure to ensue. I may not even be a good singer, but I love it and it makes me happy. It makes me feel good in a way that nothing else can. Singing at the top of my lungs is cathartic, liberating. But it is something that I am so ashamed to love because I believe that I’m bad at it.

I remember in high school being extra critical of myself because I couldn’t kick as high as the other cheerleaders, who no doubt had been gymnasts for most of their lives and/or taken dance prior to joining the cheer squad. I never had dance lessons or gymnastics training, but it didn’t matter. That was the standard I should meet. I bet I would have had more fun had I done my best without comparing myself to the other girls.

My point is: being a perfectionist is really holding me back! I don’t like it!! But, I cannot get that voice out of my head that says “If it’s not perfect, then it’s not good enough”. Good enough. That’s the part that gets me. It may sound like a normal statement to anyone else, but good enough to me sounds like “eh, who cares!?” and therefore, not good enough. Not an acceptable conclusion.

So the dilemma I face is: How do I reframe my thoughts to allow myself to be satisfied with a job well done? Perfection shouldn’t be the goal, but finishing what I start. Or, as is often the case for me, starting something in the first place, and not keeping myself from following through.

Do you struggle with perfectionist tendencies? How have they held you back? How have they helped you? Have you overcome the urge to do everything perfectly? If so, how? I would love to know what your experience has been.